I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
