I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
