I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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