Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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