I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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