Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
the liver wants what the liver wants
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
