News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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