I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
