i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
