I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
