i already hear my dad disowning me
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
