sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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