no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
