Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
