So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
