he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Also, beer. Big fan.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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