3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
