I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
