you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
