when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
