So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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