Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We need to rekindle our bromance
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
