Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
