Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
