I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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