oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
