Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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