Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
