if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
