Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
