I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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