Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
