i need an iv and a liver transplant
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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