1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
