John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
