I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
