I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
