My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
