I wish my penis had an off switch
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You should frame my arrest warrant.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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