yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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