i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Randomize
