Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
