Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
