I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You have to summon your inner elephant
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
