The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize
