where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
