No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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