Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
