i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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