apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
