im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
did i just pee glitter
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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