I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
