The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
